It's beginning...

I sit here,  alone in the darkness of my cosy living room and I realise - I am not fulfilled by my life. "Fulfilled" may be the wrong word to classify this feeling: I have an excellent career, an amazing group of friends, supportive and caring family and a boyfriend who cares for me deeply.  And as I write this, I think, 'where is this coming from?'

I blame (partially) the disparaging holiday blues which have surfaced since I returned from Ibiza on Friday. I also blame the ever so slight hangover raging at the back of my oh-so fragile head, sitting there as a result of too much cheap, sweet rosé wine which I downed in celebration for my mother's 50th birthday. I blame the gluttonous pig within me, who ate two afternoon teas this weekend, the taste of clotted cream still rife on my tongue. However, the key issue which needs mentioned, is the fact that I have just watched Kylie Jenner's snapchat and I watched in awe as she took a makeup bag, a blazoned with the dripping lip logo on her other cosmetics. As I looked, I knew I needed one. Will I get one? No, because they will all be sold within minutes!!

And here I am.

Alone, half watching James Bond, waiting for my tumble drier to finish. Thrilling. I've flicked through Pinterest, looking for inspiration for healthy smoothies and ogled the perfect winged liners that the beauty gurus upload. Toenails were freshly painted Friday, hair washed yesterday, my acrylic nails are going to be filled in tomorrow. No tasks left to complete.

I have considered watching more episodes of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix whilst Rory is out with his friends, but it will only lead to a disagreement if I already know what is happening in Charming.

Then it hit me, as I scrolled past another tanned, size 8 model with a taught tummy wearing a crop top. I will start a blog. A blog where I can write how I actually feel about my constant battle with my ever changing weight and the atrocious diets I follow to become this girl in said cropped top. How I feel about my work. How I feel about the most recent visit to my favourite burger restaurant. How I feel about the latest beauty product I've lusted over for months and when it's finally arrived in my little, orange hands, it's in fact, shit.

And now, here I am. Daydreaming of the possibilities: should I start a new Instagram, Twitter and email address with the same tag line as this blog? Probably not, even though it will be an instant regret. So, there it is. I'm doing this. I wonder if this will continue tomorrow when my nails are too long to tap at my poor, broken iPad. Let's wait and see.

xA